Monday, January 09, 2006

Crowd Shows Up,Team Doesn't

A crowd of over 18,000 gathered at the Rose Garden last night to watch the Trail Blazers take on the Miami Heat, only there was one problem: The Blazers never showed up. In an act of generosity, Pat Riley conceded to allow the scoreboard to read 118-89 at the end of the practice scrimmage the Heat ran in place of a game.

"I mean, we flew all the way out here," Riley said. "I figured we might as let these Portland fans see Shaq and Dwayne do their stuff, at least in a limited capacity."


"Shaq came ready to play," bloviated O'Neal, referring to himself in the third person. "Shaq usually don't mind a night off, but when Shaq has to leave the sunny beaches of Miami for this wet-ass Portland, it makes Shaq angry and ready to ball on someone's damp ass. Shaq could have spent this time shooting a 24-Hour Fitness commercial. Shaq no like inefficiency."

Many of the Blazer players were also surprise that they hadn't made an appearance, leading some to wonder if a rift had occurred in the space/time continuum.

"I studied some quantum physics at Michigan State," mentioned ex-Spartan and noted thinker Zach Randolph, "but I never totally bought into the whole contention that time is infinite and interchangeable, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I am a butterfly dreaming I'm a 20 and 10 power forward, rather than a 20 and 10 power forward dreaming that I'm a butterfly. I guess you just can't trust your subconscious mind sometimes."

"Geez, I thought I was there," stated a confused Juan Dixon, "but you can't argue with so many eye-witness accounts. It kind of reminds me of that movie Lost Highway, you know, when Balthazar Getty ends up in jail and that weird guy who kind of looks like Dennis Hopper keeps showing up at parties. I don't think I ever understood that movie until tonight. Existentialism is confusing, that's for sure."

Some of the Portland fans stayed to watch the Heat run the three man weave and some baseline to baseline shuttle runs, but eventually, most of the 18,032 fans left early for various reasons.

"Seeing those guys play Hot Potato and having contests to see who could slap the highest on the backboard really took me back to my old high school playing days," remarked Ben Templeton, an electrician from Hillsboro. "I wish they would have let me try a few times. I know I could out jump Jason Kapono."

"I probably would have stayed, seeing as I coach my daughter's park and rec team," remarked Tina Harmon of Forest Grove, "but I'm pretty sure there's a new episode of The Simpson's on tonight. Sure, it's not as funny as it use to be, but it has its moments."

"I bought courtside seats and stayed up all night making this sign." pouted Shlomo Merkelstein of North Portland, holding up a sign reading 'How Much Fat Could A Fat Shaq Stack If A Fat Shaq Could Stack Fat?' "I even violated the rules of the Sabbath last night, and for what? To see the Heat practice in bounding and boxing out? I was really going to get into Shaq's head, and now all of my efforts are for naught. I'm done with coming to the games for good. Fool Shlomo once, shame on you. Fool Shlomo twice, shame on me. I feel like such a schlemiel."

Coach Nate McMillan seemed indifferent to the situation.

"Come on people," read a statement sent by Coach McMillan, which was postmarked from Bermuda, "what did you think was going to happen anyway? Sure, we could have taken the court and given it our all, but does anyone think the outcome was going to be any different? Let's get honest with ourselves here. Sometimes not attending a scheduled game is part of the rebuilding process."

No word yet on whether or not Coach McMillan and the rest of the Blazers plan on attending the game on Wednesday versus the Lakers, though one member of the team swore he'd be in attendance.

"You're damn straight I'll be there," laughed Travis Outlaw. "It's my bobblehead night. Ain't no way I'm going to miss that. The way I see it, coach has to play me on my own bobblehead night. I mean, that's in the new CBA isn't it?"

6 Comments:

At 1:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hilarious!

 
At 6:50 PM, Anonymous DDavis said...

Philosophy and the meaning of time and space were confusing...until I read that article! Thank you Mr. Uppercut, this will make a great learning aid for my high school physics students at Jesuit. Nothing else does...

Big shout out to Shlomo!

 
At 10:48 PM, Blogger jans said...

youve outdone yourself.
This is the next level of NBA mockery.
Jans

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger Lance Uppercut said...

Thank you all. A little advice DDavis: You're working at a Catholic school. Just smack those bastards across the wrist with a ruler. That's how I learned European History.

 
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