Wednesday, November 09, 2005

"What's Your Name Fool?"

Remembering stuff is hard. It's one thing to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and deadlines; those things don't really matter. What sucks is not being able to remember the names of all of the new Blazers this year. Six players on the Blazers 15 man roster are new to the team. Add in Nate and Dean Demopoulos (interesting side note: Theo Ratliff is from Demopolis AL. That's like, almost the same!), and you've got seven new names that you have to commit to memory, at least until the trade deadline, at which time you'll (hopefully) have to learn more. Weak minded people like myself who have committed the first 5 seasons of "Beverly Hills 90210" to memory have a hard time retaining new information. So, as a services to those trying their best to be superfans without forgetting what Donna's birthday is (Christmas!) or the vanity plate on Steve's Corvette ("I8A4RE" as in "I ate a Ferrari"), I submit a list of nicknames with the hope that you won't forget who's name to get tattooed on your chest come playoff time.
  • Charles Smith: 6-4, 200 lbs. guard out of New Mexico ("There's a New Mexico?"). To be fair, this isn't Charles first stint with the Blazers, though it would be understandable if you forgot his 3 game tenure with the team during the 2002-03 season (which also happens to be the last year the Blazers made the playoffs. Coincidence?). Unfortunately, Charlie's parents didn't give us a lot to work with from the nickname standpoint. Charles Smith is about as boring as you can get, and as of yet, Charley hasn't really shown me much to differentiate him from the thousands of other Charles Smith's out there. "Charles in Charge" would be a good one if he were a point guard, or actually in charge, but for our purposes, it doesn't really fly. Charlie "Brown" Smith would probably be considered racist by most, though if Nate keeps pulling PT away from Charles like Lucy pulls footballs from Charlie, then this one might stick. Basically, I got no good names for Charles. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
  • Steve Blake: 6-3, 172 lbs. (soaking wet) guard out of Maryland. Steve is one small guy. Being over six foot and under 180 pounds makes you an ideal Kenyan marathon runner, but not much of a PG. I still haven't figured out why management picked this guy up, but as long as he's here, we might as well give him a term of endearment. My nickname for Steve is "The Snowflake," because he's soft, white, melts under any kind of pressure, and is usually welcomed when it first shows up, but then becomes a nuisance come February. Besides, Steve "The Snowflake" Blake would sound great booming out of the loudspeakers at the Rose Garden.
  • Juan Dixon: 6-3, 164 lbs. guard out of Maryland. Man, if you're over six foot and have any semblance of a 3-point shot, you should call John Nash and see if he's in the market for another guard, because he obviously can't get enough undersized, no-D playing Maryland guys. Once again, I'm not sure exactly why Juan was brought in. I realized that the Blazers are super thin at SG, but come on, Juan ain't the answer! Due to this, I am set on the nickname "A Million to" Juan Dixon, taking into account that P.Allen is paying him around 2.5 million a year for god knows what, which is much like the premise of the Paul Rodriguez blockbuster "A Million to Juan."
  • Sergei Monia: 6-8, 220 lbs (or 98.8 kilos back in Mother Russia) out of CSKA Moscow, which, for those of you who don't know, has been a long time CIA front. Does anyone out there know if Sergei's last name is "Monia" or "Monya"? The Blazer roster has him down as "Monia", but other places on the web have it as "Monya." I've put a call into the Blazer front office regarding this discrepancy. I'm sure someone will be getting right back to me (Update: some guy named Chuck called me back and informed me that, for pronunciation reasons, the "y" in "Sergey" and "Monya" has been changed to an "i" in both instances. Who says the Blazers aren't fan friendly). While I'm waiting for conformation on his "Christian" name, I'll return to the task at hand; Sergei's nickname. As previously stated, our swing guard of the future shall be known henceforth as Sergei "Pneu" Monia. He's just that sick. And to loosely quote Run-DMC, "Not sick meaning bad but sick meaning good!"
  • Jarrett Jack: 6-3, 202 lbs. guard out of Georgia Tech. I love me some Jarrett Jack. After years of undersized PG's, it's nice to finally have someone that can body up on some of the stronger guards in the league. And a guy that's played 3 years of ACC ball might as well be a veteran on this team of Europeans and youngins. But what name embodies the kind of rough-neck attitude that Jarrett brings to the court? Jarrett "Big" Jack "Attack"? Jarrett Jack "In the Box"? Jarrett Jack "In the Saddle Again"? Jarrett Jack "Booted Thug"? I think I'll stick with that one.
  • Martell Webster: 6-7, 210 lbs. guard/forward out of Seattle Prep High School. Finally, the draft pick. I love Martell for two important reasons: First, he' going to be a great player for the Blazers, and second, his being drafted snatched him from the clutches of Lorenzo Romar at University of Washington. Take that you filthy dawgs. Being a quite, soft-spoken kind of guy, Martell is deserving of a name a little softer around the edges. I've come up with two: Martell "Charlotte's" Webster (he's terrific, and humble) or Martell "Staring Emanuel Lewis As" Webster.

So there you have it. Once again, I'd love to hear any other suggestions. And coming soon, new nicknames for your favorite returning players!

19 Comments:

At 3:06 PM, Anonymous Blazer4Ever said...

Any nicknames for Ha or Kryapa? I know they are not new players but still deserve a nickname. I've heard of ones like Godzill-Ha or Viktor-y Khryapa.

 
At 3:41 PM, Blogger Lance Uppercut said...

Ah blazer4ever, I'm glad you asked. As far as Ha Seung-Jin goes, I've given him the nickname Ha "The Seoul Man" Seung-Jin, considering Ha's Korean ethnicity. Viktor-y Khryapa ain't bad, though I've been going with Viktor "Wholly" Khryapa, only because Viktor "the Kobe Stoppa" Khryapa has already been taken.

 
At 3:58 PM, Blogger Keegan DeWitt said...

I think you should add a constant "Million-to-Juan Dixon fg% graphic at the top of your blog".

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Lance Uppercut said...

Good idea Keegan. Your wish is my command.

 
At 5:08 PM, Anonymous G Off said...

Charles "Who?" Smith. Stolen from average name (and talent) rapper Mike Jones and fitting when you are figuring out the guys at the end of the bench.

Godzill-Ha will be shot down by Przybilla fans, but I think a more fitting name is "Ha-teh". Ok, maybe that doesn't read like I want it to, but just add the sound of the letter T after Ha to make him Hot.

Joel "The Pryzadent" Przybilla!

 
At 11:29 AM, Anonymous chris said...

I like Ghostface 'Billah

 
At 12:19 PM, Blogger Lance Uppercut said...

Being a fan of the Wu I like Ghostface 'Billah as well. How about Ol' Dirty Pryzbastard? Or the PryzRza?

 
At 9:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"A million to Juan" made you look like a fool last night. This blog sucks.

 
At 9:53 AM, Blogger Lance Uppercut said...

Thanks Anon! I love getting feedback, even feedback as well thought-out as yours. In all seriousness, I want Juan to do well. You have to admit that the looked horrible in the first 4 games. I will gladly worship at the altar of Juan if he can manage to play at least 2 decent games before going on a 4 game bender of ill-advised shots.

 
At 5:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's two games in a row, hope you enjoyed last night's win as much as I did. And sorry the last post wasn't as "well-thought out" as your clever witticisms above. I mean Sergei "Pneu" Monia? I really can't stop laughing. You ought to be writing comedies in Hollywood. But seriously, glad you're ready to welcome "Don Juan" into the fold now that he's strung a couple of solid games together.

 
At 6:55 AM, Blogger Lance Uppercut said...

Give me your address anon and I'll send you a couple treatments and a manuscript. I'd much rather be writing comedy in Branson, but if you've got the Hollywood connections, I'd disreagard my artistic integrity, but just this once. Go Blazers go!

 
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At 7:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

These nickname suck ass.

 
At 7:26 PM, Anonymous Suckle My Nuts said...

Wow. Think about this. If Martell hits a game winning three with .1 second left, imagine the announcer saying "Oh my goodness! Martell "Charlotte's" Webster drains a trey to win the game!" Yeah. Thats sounds retarded.

 
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At 5:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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