Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Ruben Patterson: Whiny Bitch For Hire

Ah Ruben, your stupidity knows no bounds. After getting sent home after the New York loss, Ruben has decided that he wants to be traded. Actually, Ruben has been saying that he wants to be traded for the last few years, but I guess now he really means it. Patterson has been telling anyone capable of listening to his broken English for longer than 10 consecutive seconds that he's worthy of playing big minutes, and that it's a travesty that someone of his vast skill, intelligence, and character shouldn't have to weather the rebuilding process that Portland finds itself in. So Ruben wants to go somewhere else, which is understandable. I want to see Ruben go as well, but what I understand that Ruben doesn't is that Nash isn't going to trade Ruben on Ruben's terms.


So Ruben wants out, his reasoning being that he deserves big minutes to match his big talent. Take it away Ruben!

"I don't think my role of playing 13 or 15 minutes a game is acceptable. I deserve to play 25-plus minutes, but if they want me to play 12 minutes, then they can just put me on the inactive list. I mean, those are rookie minutes."

Oh Ruben, if you always got what you deserved, you'd be serving time for forcing women to give you blow jobs. I find it hard to believe that by virtue of not being a rookie, Ruben feels that he deserves 25 minutes. Tell that to Rick Brunson. 25 minutes is over half the game for someone with a horrible offensive game, some of the worst handles this side of the lobster boy, an infectiously bad attitude, incredibly low basketball IQ, served with a side of semi-decent defensive skills. And he's only making around 7 million a year? How can I be down like that!

If Ruben had anything floating around in that big, marble shaped head of his, he would know that the best way to get traded is to not act like a bitch, but no one has ever accused Ruben of being smart. The problem is three fold. First, if Ruben makes statements like "I deserve to play 25 minutes a night, no matter how many times I turn the ball over or pinch that cute female ref's ass," it makes him virtually untradable to any team that doesn't have at least 25 minutes a night and a great sexual harrassment lawyer waiting for the sex offender. Secondly, his complaining further pushes any trade value that he might have further down the drain. Finally, Ruben publicly demanding to be traded makes other GM's think that they can force Nash's hand, which just isn't going to happen in these Blazer days of fiscal responsibility. When you diss Nash, you diss yourself Rube. So please, try keeping your mouth shut Ruben, and maybe Nash can convince someone more ignorant than yourself to take you on. If not, I'm sure everyone from Paul Allen on down is more than willing to pay your salary for the next two years while you rot on the bench, wasting your infinite talent.



White Whale, Thy Name is Chalupa.

Way to go A.I. "The Answer" did his assistant coach Maurice Cheeks a solid last night by playing 44 minutes and scoring 38 points in an 83-107 rout of the road weary Blazers last night in Liberty City. Jason "Marc Ivaroni is definitely going to be the new coach" Quick's story about assistant coach Cheeks downplayed the significance of the game, and rightfully so. Cheeks ended up getting his dream job, "coaching" in the city he played and having the luxury of never having to come up with an offensive game plan, something that really cut into his singing lessons in Portland. For Blazer fans, it was yet another game that the offense was unable to breach the century mark. I'm not sure if a team has ever gone the whole season in the shot clock era without scoring a C-note, but it looks like the Blazers are dead set at trying. The Blazers had 72 shots, compared to 94 for the Sixers. That hurts. Hell, the Blazers only made 5 more shots than Iverson took, no wonder they haven't reached 100 yet.

It's become apparent that when Darius struggles to score, as he did last night, the Blazers are going to get waxed. Without a solid third scoring option, it's going to be next to impossible to outscore opponents, which I've been told is important. The Blazers and the Sixers had almost the same field goal percentage last night (44.4 to 44.7) but when to take 22 fewer shots, you're not going to win unless you shoot 95%. Oh, and did I mention that the Blazers got out rebounded 30-60? Read that again. The Sixers had only 6 fewer OFFENSIVE rebounds than the Blazer had combined. That's. Just. Wrong.


The good news is that Travis Outlaw (who Cheeks so rudely stated was on the chopping block) and Martell Webster are finally getting some significant playing time, playing 19 and 14 minutes respectively. Even Vik got some court time last night, scoring 4 points in what I can only assume was 7 minutes of garbage time. Still good to see some of the young guys get some experience, which is what I thought this season was going to be about.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Ref's Hate Hawks, Love Blazers.


Once again, a closely fought battle between the Hawks and our Blazers ended in controversy, or at least as much controversy as can be created in a contest between two if the most maligned clubs in the NBA. Renowned leaper Josh Smith was dinged for grabbing the rim to get an offensive rebound, which is a kick-ass move on the playground, but is still frowned upon in the big leagues. The turnover gave the Blazers the ball with 7.3 seconds left, long enough for Darius Miles to bank a shot in to win the game 77-75. The big story for Blazer fans in this one was another solid performance by rookie and high cinema coniser Martell Webster. In 18 minutes, Martell scored 10 points on 4 of 8 shooting, two of those being three's. Martell's increased minutes were due to Juan Dixon fighting a losing battle against a shrimp cocktail, and though it would be crude and base to applaud the tiny crustaceans’ ability to sideline the Blazers’ resident chucker, but you can't argue with results. Martell also vastly outplayed one of his 2005 draft counterparts Marvin Williams, who finished the game with 1 point in 16 minutes, which only proves that going to one year of higher educations doesn’t amount to dick. Zach managed to bounce back from the mini-funk he was in by scoring almost a third of the Blazers total points, bringing home 25 points on a remarkable 12 of 15 shooting. Add in 15 rebounds, and Z-Dough had what I would consider a hecka good game. Kudos Zach.

Next up is Mo Cheeks, The Answer, and the rest of the Philly 76er's tomorrow. Somebody is going to get some payback. The question is: Who will it be?

By the way, not that I have many readers out there, but has anyone else noticed that as soon as I start harassing a player on this site, he starts playing well? I make fun of Juan; he plays great. I talk shit about Sebastian's offense; he goes out and scores 20. I harass Martell about his taste in movies; he starts contributing immediately. Is Nate using this site as billboard material? Is there a Blazer wide conspiracy to make The Cut (that's what I'm referring to myself as now) look stupid? If so, I'm honored. So here's the deal; I'll keep making trite, fairly obvious observations, you guys keep showing me up. Together we can take this team to the top!


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Martell Webster is a Dork

In his blog today, Martell admits going to see Harry Potter with Darnell Valentine. Some things are better left unsaid Marty, but if you're free sometime and you haven't seen March of the Penguins yet, I'd love to be your chaperone. Call me!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Ruben Patterson has been put on the inactive list and sent back to Portland for the remaining 6 games of the current road trip. As per John Nash:

"Ruben Patterson has been placed on the inactive list and sent home to Portland for the rest of this road trip for his behavior both on and off the court.

We will not tolerate this type of behavior from any player. We will continue to demand a higher level of professionalism and personal responsibility from all of our players or we will continue to take appropriate action."

Great move Nash, now find someone to unload the Rube on quick, but not for Jerome James. No way the Blazers need one of the most overpaid guys in the league. Any ideas? Where are you expiring contracts?

We're On A Road to Nowhere

One game into the first real road trip of the season and the Blazers look... not so good. Having not yet won a road game, I guess it isn't too surprising. It would have been nice to have some momentum, but no such luck after losing to a vastly improved Golden State team 91-80 on Friday. While watching this game, the usually intellectually void Mike Rice made a great point: The Blazers are going to get punished by every team with a good shooting guard. Jason Richardson did Mike the favor of proving him correct by lighting up any and everyone brave enough to guard him to the tune of 28 points on 10-21 shooting. Then again, Richardson is averaging 22 per game, so I guess Monia, Ruben, Juan, and whoever else tried to man-up on him shouldn't feel too bad for themselves. The money stat of the GS game were the 24 turnovers committed by the Blazers, leading to 21 points. You're not going to beat a retirement homes intramural team turning the ball over 24 times, so losing by just 9 points could be considered a moral victory, if you're that hard-up for good news.

Actually, there was some positive news to report. Sebastian is starting to find him offensive game. He scored 20 against on Friday, besting Baron Davis in that department by 4 points, though Telfair did get out-assisted 11-3 to by everyone's player named after a frozen pizza.

So Friday, Blazers lose, and come Sunday, the Blazers lose again, this time in New York at the other Garden. Sebastian once again put on a fantastic offensive show against Big Cousin, scoring 27 points on an astounding 8-12 shooting, as well as making 8 of his 11 free-throw attempts and dishing out 7 dimes. Sounds great don't it? Well, Telfair seemingly was the only guy that didn't forget his jock in Portland, as the Blazers got thumped 92-103. Channing Frye, who I was convinced would never amount to a hill of beans, added 20 points in only 24 minutes, once again proving that I know next to nothing about talent. Two big stories from a Blazer fan standpoint; the first being that Zach only had two, count 'em TWO rebounds in the game, and hence, only 17 points. The second being the hissy fit that Ruben Patterson threw over not getting the playing time that he thinks he deserves. Personally, this is the event that I've been waiting for; an iron-clad reason to get Ruben the hell off of this team. I tend to wonder if Ruben has ever watched any footage of his performance, because if he had watched, say the Golden State game, he would see that for every great play he makes, he makes at least 2 boneheaded plays, such as getting a steal and then trying to take on Troy Murphy, Adonal Foyle, and Mike Dunleavy by himself on the fast break. That's why you'll always just be average Ruben, on and off the court, because you're an idiot. If Nate doesn't replace Ruben with Outlaw, and then replace Outlaw with Khryapa, I've got to figure that the Rube has some dirt on Nate, because they're no way that a guy that doesn't fit into the future of this team should be stealing PT away from guys that figure to be with the team after this season.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Bull-pucky


It takes a few days to get over losing such a prolific home winning-streak, but I've recovered. In fact, the Blazers looked pretty damn good in their 84-81 loss to Detroit last Friday. "The Chosen" Juan Dixon came in a played a great game, scoring 19 points without missing a shot. As much as I applaud this effort, it's really the least that Juan could do after looking abysmal in the first 4 games. And speaking of games, why is it that the Blazers have only played 5 games so far this season? Some teams have already played 9 games. Has the circus been in town? Did Yanni sell out the Rose Garden for 5 straight days or something? I guess it's just as well, considering that most of Oregon is focused on the impeding Civil War, but let’s get this show on the road.


P-Town is currently 3rd in the newly formed Northwest division of the Western Conference. They could keep pace with a win tonight against the not-so-baby Bulls tonight at the Garden. This is a game that the Blazers are very capable of winning, as long as someone other than Zach Randolph or Darius Miles steps up offensively. In the loss to Detroit, only Z-Dough, Darius, and "A Million to "Juan scored in double figures. That's probably not going to get it done. With any luck, Z-Dough will give Mike Sweetney (who bears a striking resemblance to Biz Markie) a clinic on what it takes to be a slightly chubby power forward in this league, but he's still going to need help, preferably from Telfair, who should be able to get his shot with Chris Duhon or Kirk "Gilligan" Hinrich guarding him. I guess the question I have is: What is Telfair's shot? Dribble drive? Pull-up 3? Elbow jumper? Give me something Seabass!

The line for tonight's game is Chicago -3. If you had bet on the Blazers the last two games, who'd have won both bets, so consider putting some extra scratch on Portland. Do it for Lewis and Clark. If they hadn't gambled on finding Oregon, we'd all be living in some Midwest shithole.

Friday, November 11, 2005

"It was you Rasheed. I know it was you. You broke my heart."


You are looking at #5080 of the Limited Edition Rasheed Wallace lunchbox, sponsored by Jiffy Lube. I was pretty surprised when these came out, as the conventional wisdom was that Rasheed was spawned from Satan. Personally, I love Rasheed, even though he broke my heart over and over again. I still cherish this lunchbox, though it is far too small to carry an actual lunch.

Sheed, everyone's favorite snow plow Dale Davis, and the rest of Big-D come to the Garden tonight in what will be the hardest game this young squad has played thus far. It will also be a great indicator of how Zach Randolph's defense has progressed, as I'm assuming that Pryz and Theo will be working on Ben Wallace, leaving Sheed and his 30 foot wingspan to Z-Bo. Sheed is definitely going to make Zach work for every bucket, so Z-Bo (or "Z-Dough" as I've taken to calling him) has to return the favor on the defensive end. I'd also expect to see Jarrett Jack get the lion’s share of playing time at the point tonight, as he matches up better with the physical Chauncey Billups than does Telfair. This is also a game that you'd like to see Travis Outlaw (remember that guy?) get some PT against Tayshaun Prince, who Travis should really be trying to fashion his game after, but alas, those minutes will most likely go to Ruben Patterson.

The line for tonight’s game is Detroit -7, which I must say did surprise me. I thought it would be higher than that. Here's hoping that, at the least, the "Red and Black Attack" gives Detroit a good game, and best case, defends the home court and moves to 3 for 3 at home. Long live the home winning streak!

My Z-Bo's Back and You're Gonna Be in Trouble.

Super happy-fun game for the Blazers on Wednesday, beating the Knicks 83-95 at the Rose Garden. So far, the Blazers are a perfect 2-0 at home. Could a perfect home record be in the works? I don't see why not.

Z-Bo had an all-around monster game (as predicted here), scoring 29, grabbing 12, facilitating 3, pilfering 3, and sending 1 back. Take that microfracture surgery! Darius had a nice game as well, adding 26 points, 8 rebounds in what continues to be a resurgence of sorts, though we've seen this kind of thing from Darius before. While Darius is ultimately in control of his actions, you have to think that Nate's style of coaching and willingness to give Darius on-court responsibility is playing a major factor in his current high quality of play. Of course, talent has never been the issue for Miles (I wonder how many times that phrase has been printed), but maybe Darius finally has it figured out. Let’s keep our fingers crossed, shall we.

Another positive to take away from Wednesday’s game is Ruben Patterson's performance. While the 17 points, 5 rebounds were nice, what was even more important was that Rube got to showcase his talents for Larry Brown and the rest of the Knicks, whom he will hopefully be employed by sometime in the near future. The "youth movement" can't take total shape until Patterson is gone. He's the last vestige of a dead era in Portland, and he got's to go. I'm sure Nate wants to keep Patterson around, as, though I hate to admit it, he gives the Blazers the best chance to win, but this season isn't about wins. It's about getting ready to make a run at a title. Outlaw and Khryapa are the future for Portland at back-up SF. Patterson is dead weight, pure and simple. Great game though Ruben!

Bits and pieces:
  • If you don't read Eric's OregonLive Blazer blog, then you should probably start. Lots of great links the past couple of days. Same goes for Henry Abbott's TrueHoop. Oh, and check out SuperSonicSoul if you have even the slightest intrest in the Sonics(thanks for the props ChunkyStyle). They're good people
  • "Pneu" Monia didn't hae a great game stat wise, but it sure is nice seen a guy in there that actually has some promise. How the teeth feeling Derek?
  • Martell Webster is blogging. Is this a cool guy or what?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I Don’t ♥ NY

Lots of storylines in tonight’s game. There's the obvious cousin vs. cousin match-up between Telfair and Marbury, but also the match-up of ex-Georgia Tech point guards in a Jack vs. Marbury showdown. Who will emerge as the Queen Bee? Hopefully this kind of intrigue will keep our young Blazer guards amped for the whole game. Then again, if Marbury don't start playing the Larry Brown way, we may see a lot more of...well, NY doesn't really have another PG, so we'll probably just see a lot of Marbury. Of course, Clifford Robinson's lovechild Nate Robinson will be making his first appearance at the Rose Garden, followed by a round of hormone therapy at OHSU. For Blazer/Duck fans out there, this game has even more intrigue, as Robinson, Channing Frye, Trevor Ariza, and Matt Barnes all played their college ball in the Pac-10. Any way you chop it up, this one should be good. A victory tonight will go a long way toward giving this young team some confidence. The spread is currently at NY -1.5, so go out and put some money on the Blazers.

Some things I hope to see:

  • More of the Russian Mafia. Vik had a little quote in the Oregonian today questioning why he hasn't been on the active roster. I have to say, if it's for any other reason than Nash wanting to showcase Patterson, then I'm dumbfounded. More PneuMonia, more Viktor more glasnost.
  • Tefair playing well. Last time Seabass went up against Big Cousin, he forced everything. Sebastian needs to play smart and not try to one-up Marbury, or he's going to be holding Jarrett's water bottle in the 4th quarter.
  • Juan Dixon needs to fight the urge to hoist up a 3 every time he touches the ball. Please Juan, don't shoot.
  • Zach, Darius, and Joel with double-doubles.

I got a good feeling about this one. I think Monia and Zach have big nights and the Blazers win. Here's to sending Larry Brown and the rest of the Knicks back to the hotel 0-4, cause everyone knows L.B. is a sick honkey straight goin' donkey.

"What's Your Name Fool?"

Remembering stuff is hard. It's one thing to forget birthdays, anniversaries, and deadlines; those things don't really matter. What sucks is not being able to remember the names of all of the new Blazers this year. Six players on the Blazers 15 man roster are new to the team. Add in Nate and Dean Demopoulos (interesting side note: Theo Ratliff is from Demopolis AL. That's like, almost the same!), and you've got seven new names that you have to commit to memory, at least until the trade deadline, at which time you'll (hopefully) have to learn more. Weak minded people like myself who have committed the first 5 seasons of "Beverly Hills 90210" to memory have a hard time retaining new information. So, as a services to those trying their best to be superfans without forgetting what Donna's birthday is (Christmas!) or the vanity plate on Steve's Corvette ("I8A4RE" as in "I ate a Ferrari"), I submit a list of nicknames with the hope that you won't forget who's name to get tattooed on your chest come playoff time.
  • Charles Smith: 6-4, 200 lbs. guard out of New Mexico ("There's a New Mexico?"). To be fair, this isn't Charles first stint with the Blazers, though it would be understandable if you forgot his 3 game tenure with the team during the 2002-03 season (which also happens to be the last year the Blazers made the playoffs. Coincidence?). Unfortunately, Charlie's parents didn't give us a lot to work with from the nickname standpoint. Charles Smith is about as boring as you can get, and as of yet, Charley hasn't really shown me much to differentiate him from the thousands of other Charles Smith's out there. "Charles in Charge" would be a good one if he were a point guard, or actually in charge, but for our purposes, it doesn't really fly. Charlie "Brown" Smith would probably be considered racist by most, though if Nate keeps pulling PT away from Charles like Lucy pulls footballs from Charlie, then this one might stick. Basically, I got no good names for Charles. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
  • Steve Blake: 6-3, 172 lbs. (soaking wet) guard out of Maryland. Steve is one small guy. Being over six foot and under 180 pounds makes you an ideal Kenyan marathon runner, but not much of a PG. I still haven't figured out why management picked this guy up, but as long as he's here, we might as well give him a term of endearment. My nickname for Steve is "The Snowflake," because he's soft, white, melts under any kind of pressure, and is usually welcomed when it first shows up, but then becomes a nuisance come February. Besides, Steve "The Snowflake" Blake would sound great booming out of the loudspeakers at the Rose Garden.
  • Juan Dixon: 6-3, 164 lbs. guard out of Maryland. Man, if you're over six foot and have any semblance of a 3-point shot, you should call John Nash and see if he's in the market for another guard, because he obviously can't get enough undersized, no-D playing Maryland guys. Once again, I'm not sure exactly why Juan was brought in. I realized that the Blazers are super thin at SG, but come on, Juan ain't the answer! Due to this, I am set on the nickname "A Million to" Juan Dixon, taking into account that P.Allen is paying him around 2.5 million a year for god knows what, which is much like the premise of the Paul Rodriguez blockbuster "A Million to Juan."
  • Sergei Monia: 6-8, 220 lbs (or 98.8 kilos back in Mother Russia) out of CSKA Moscow, which, for those of you who don't know, has been a long time CIA front. Does anyone out there know if Sergei's last name is "Monia" or "Monya"? The Blazer roster has him down as "Monia", but other places on the web have it as "Monya." I've put a call into the Blazer front office regarding this discrepancy. I'm sure someone will be getting right back to me (Update: some guy named Chuck called me back and informed me that, for pronunciation reasons, the "y" in "Sergey" and "Monya" has been changed to an "i" in both instances. Who says the Blazers aren't fan friendly). While I'm waiting for conformation on his "Christian" name, I'll return to the task at hand; Sergei's nickname. As previously stated, our swing guard of the future shall be known henceforth as Sergei "Pneu" Monia. He's just that sick. And to loosely quote Run-DMC, "Not sick meaning bad but sick meaning good!"
  • Jarrett Jack: 6-3, 202 lbs. guard out of Georgia Tech. I love me some Jarrett Jack. After years of undersized PG's, it's nice to finally have someone that can body up on some of the stronger guards in the league. And a guy that's played 3 years of ACC ball might as well be a veteran on this team of Europeans and youngins. But what name embodies the kind of rough-neck attitude that Jarrett brings to the court? Jarrett "Big" Jack "Attack"? Jarrett Jack "In the Box"? Jarrett Jack "In the Saddle Again"? Jarrett Jack "Booted Thug"? I think I'll stick with that one.
  • Martell Webster: 6-7, 210 lbs. guard/forward out of Seattle Prep High School. Finally, the draft pick. I love Martell for two important reasons: First, he' going to be a great player for the Blazers, and second, his being drafted snatched him from the clutches of Lorenzo Romar at University of Washington. Take that you filthy dawgs. Being a quite, soft-spoken kind of guy, Martell is deserving of a name a little softer around the edges. I've come up with two: Martell "Charlotte's" Webster (he's terrific, and humble) or Martell "Staring Emanuel Lewis As" Webster.

So there you have it. Once again, I'd love to hear any other suggestions. And coming soon, new nicknames for your favorite returning players!

Sunday, November 06, 2005

You Say ZaZa, I Say Zsa Zsa

What can you say about a suspect call at the end of regulation that gives the Blazers a 93-94 victory over the Hawks in the home opener at the Rose Garden? If you're a Hawks fan (assuming that they actually exist) you would probably complain that ZaZa Pachulia got hit with a touch foul at the end of regulation that no self-respecting referee would call. It was pretty obvious that ZaZa (who is from Georgia, the European version) gave Randolph a decent little jab to the back fat, but to have it decide a game? All I can say to that if you're leading the league in technicals like Pachulia is you can't expect to have the calls go your way. Personally, I commend Kenny Mauer for having the stones to call a foul in that situation. First class job there Kenny.

Other than proof positive that the Blazers won't go winless this season, it's hard to take away much from a one point win against the worst team in the NBA. One thing that was surprising was the addition of Sergei "Pneu" Monia ("he'll make ya sick!") into the starting lineup. Sergei is bigger than I thought, and looked pretty good, even if it was against the Hawks. 8 points, 6 rebounds, and 5 assists ain't nothing to shake a hammer and sickle at, especially on a squad as thin at SG as the Blazers are. Sergei's metamorphosis from inactive list suit-wearer to first home game starter is more proof that Nate McMillian is still seeing how this team shakes out. If Charles Smith remains Charles Smith and "A Million to" Juan Dixon keeps chucking up ill-advised 3-pointers, I'd expect to see Monia get a lot more starts.

A few random notes:

  • Telfair looked a lot better last night, but he's got to get to the line more often than once a game. A guy that can penetrate like Telfair should make a concerted effort to get to the line.
  • Zach seems to really be coming along. The 5 turnovers are unacceptable, but 21 points and 13 rebounds, including 7 on the offensive end, and a clutch free-throw make up for any shortcomings.
  • Can Nate please put in Viktor "Wholly" Khryapa on the active roster sometime soon? He might be a drop-off defensively from Patterson, but certainly not by much. It's not exactly like Ruben fits into the long-term plans of this squad, so let Vik get some PT. If management wants to expand the fan base, they should consider the appeal that Vik and Sergei have to the ever expanding Russian population here in Portland and the surrounding areas. Free the Russian Mafia!
  • Esteban Batista is Uruguay's answer to Manu Ginobolli, only taller, fatter, and not as good.
  • Finally, I hope all of you fans that have been bitching and moaning about character are happy. I had to sit through what seemed like an endless string of Blazer PR video before the game thanks to the endless commiserating by fair-weather fans and "values voters." Not only that, but now that The Snapper is gone, there's no one to keep Mike Barrett's homer tendencies in check. Mike Rice is too busy wiping the drool off of his lip and telling stories about catching crawdads at the ol' fishin' hole, so the load falls on Barrett to remind everyone at home about "how great this sell-out Portland crowd is." I know one thing for sure; there was more than one sell-out at that game last night.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

No Nuggets, No Peace.


Well, it didn't take too long for the Blazers to have their first blowout loss of the year. I had the over/under at 5, being that in the fifth game the "Red and Black Attack" play everyone's favorite ex-Blazer turned World Champion Rasheed Wallace and the Larry Brown-less Pistons, but then again, I'm a horrible handicapper. Even with K-Mart coming down with what one could only assume is a case of leprosy, the Blazers still got turned out in a 68-107 shellacking at the Pepsi Center, to which I can only say, have a Coke and a smile Nate.
Actually, I could say a few more things. First off: Take it easy on these guys Nate. I realize that Paul Allen sacrificed another jewel-incrusted toilet seat cover to pay for Nate's exodus from Seattle, and that Nate was brought in to be a hardass, but a 3+ hour practice away from home after the first game of the season? How do you fit in chill time with mile-high hookers? Or a drinking tour of the Coors Brewery? A long practice mixed in with that thin, putrid Rocky Mountain air is a recipe for disaster, especially this early in the season.
Secondly, can we get rid of Ruben Patterson already? The Junk Yard Dog (aka the "Kobe Stopper" aka the "Nanny Daddy") is too much of a whiny bitch to last on a team this young. In fact, I want a strict promise from management to never, ever obtain any players that played under Bob Huggins at Cincinnati. Van Exel and Patterson have been more than I can handle. Seriously, consider that, along with Nick "the Lip" and Patterson, Danny Fortson and K-Mart all disgraced the floor during Huggins drink-soaked tenure, and ask yourself, "What do all of these guys have in common?" The answer: They are decent to above average players with one flaw: They're punk-bitches. And, as if you didn't need anymore proof, here's another reason why anything connected with Cincinnati should be avoided at all costs.
But back to Patterson. Not only is he going to make a sour-face every time this team stumbles, but he's going to ruin Martell Webster. Stories of Ruben's insistence on hazing Martell are already coming out, and if I were John Nash, I would sit Ruben down and let him know that Martell is a lot more important to the future of the team than Ruben's career average of 10 points, 4 rebounds. Better yet, I would just ship his ass out for the first expiring contract or actual shooting guard offered (sorry Juan and Charles, but you guys suck). There's got to be some GM out there that wants a high intensity guy who plays out of control, right? Isiah?
Finally, what's up with Telfair? I thought that guy put some work into his game this summer. The guy still can’t' shoot, still can't draw any fouls (which I guess is ok seeing as he can't shoot free throws either), and still can't play a lick of defense. I know that he's still in diapers, but from what I've seen/read/heard from gypsies, Jarret Jack should, can, and will be the Man for this team, at least for another 2 years.